Twelve topics I won't ever debate
Oh, spare me. You know that malarkey about debate being the mark of a mature and progressive society that's tolerant of each other's differences? And how discussion and open-mindedness are what the future of our intelligent civilisation should be based upon? Well that's bollocks. Big, fat, hairy bollocks.
See, to me, the mark of a progressive society is the opposite of what we've got exactly because we're still debating whether pinching a strange woman's arse is an affront to her gender. What in the hell is there left to talk about? Look, we'll always be a gaggle of savages trying not to eat each other's shin bones until men just, like, get over what women have been telling them since they ate the shin bones of mammoths instead.
It's 20-bloody-12! Why are we still holding lengthy discourses on what constitutes sexism, misogyny, abortion, glass ceilings and whether women should swap every curl of pubic hair for a sequined outline of Hello Kitty? You'd think that by now we'd have talked the life out of this lot and that said topics would have slumped to the floor, begged for mercy and then died a piteous death before shitting out their insides over the carpet.
So the next time someone tries to debate the size of my arse with me, you know what I'm going to do? I'm going to shove my fingers deep into my ears and sing loudly until the offending gimp-toed fool sods off and leaves me to think about more pressing matters, like the cake I'm trying to eat. I'll merrily debate totalitarianism, Cubism or the sheer lunacy of Karl Lagerfeld's neck but I as sure as shit won't debate the intricacies of what constitutes rape. From where I lurk, there is no debate.
So in a rare fit of generosity here's my list of things I never want to debate again, just to give the cockwombles of the world a head start, you understand. God knows, they need it. Ready?
4. For how long my tits should leak milk
5. Whether I'm capable of going to war
6. My ability to run a corporation/ nation/ piss up in a brewery
7. The girth of my thighs
8. The perkiness of my tits
9. The hairiness of my vagina
10. How brilliant I am at blow jobs
11. My use of the morning after pill
12. Whether I'm a feminist
There really are things that you should never talk about after all, don'tcha think?