The Regular Guy detox
Dear Regular Guy,
My guy has been really frosty with me since the New Year. He won't join the gym with me and just moans about the lovely, healthy meals I've been giving him. What's going on?
Dear Detox Girl,
What you have done there is commit one of the biggest relationship faux-pas in the book, right at the very start of the year.
You've assumed that because you've declared yourself fat free, so has your fella. In fact, he woke up on the 1st of January, head banging and with more fur on his tongue than on Yogi Bear's backside, with a hunger for bacon wedged between half a loaf of thick crusty white bread. When he searched the kitchen, he discovered that the bacon was in the bin and the white bread was crumbled over the garden.
Suddenly, the bread bin only has granary bread in it and the clearly labelled ‘bacon' section of the fridge contains only low fat natural yoghurt, which presumably is telling him that you have Thrush because every man in the world knows it isn't edible.
The poor man then wanders around the house half-starved and low in salt, only to be confronted by a woman wearing leggings, smelling of yoghurt, and prattling on about going for a run.
There's no wonder he's grumpy.
The January detox and fitness regime just does not work on men.
There is nothing upsets us more than suddenly discovering that the remnants of New Year's Eve's trifle have been thrown out. Give his last tube of Toblerone away to your nephew and his spirit will be broken for a month.
Instead of shocking him into dietary obedience, try playing it cool. Don't throw away the good stuff in the house just because you don't want it, just don't bloody eat it yourself. The Christmas stash will disappear naturally over the first couple of weeks of January anyway, so don't force it.
Over the course of the month, slowly introduce things. One week you can maybe change the bread. The next week, bring out the Diet Coke instead of regular. Toward the end of the month, you can carefully place the natural yoghurt on the top shelf, behind the jar of mayonnaise that has actually been empty for three months but you are both refusing to admit knowing.
Finally, you can start hinting about the gym. I believe you only have to go to the gym for that first month when you join, after which you just have to keep paying but don't have to actually go, so do the maths and pitch it properly to your man. There are 31 days in January, which is a rather daunting period, whereas there are only 28 days in February, which is considerably more tolerable. If you are going to go to the gym for one month a year, then always go for the shortest.
Knowing that no food was wasted, that he only has to hit the treadmills for the minimal amount of time and that his wife's pants are yoghurt free, your man will happily support you in your detox and refrain from being a grumpy git.
Hope this helps.