Week Six started with Ben interrogating the alleged bully, Olivia. Doe-eyed and perplexed, she surmised that the girls were jealous, bitter dummies who enjoyed stupid stuff like hygiene and friendliness.
“I want to talk… smart… things. You know?”
The girls were dismayed to see their wicked sister-wife return. “Come at me, bro!” Olivia commanded. “I’m not going anywhere.”
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The only one-on-one date went to Caila, which raised Leah’s freak-out flag. She wailed, Nancy Kerrigan-style, and shook her fist at the machinations of the universe. “WHY AM I HERE? WHY?”
Ben hoped that smiley Caila would grant him a peek under her effervescent hood. She obliged, prophesizing all the ways she’d break his heart.
In THE BEST GROUP DATE EVER, Ben frolicked in the sea with a herd of aggressive, nippily sows… and some adorable wild pigs. Because these women could not appreciate THE BEST GROUP DATE EVER, no one had fun.
Hoping to turn the bad juju around, Ben handed everyone a Midol, a cocktail, and a compliment.
Leah, who enjoyed complaining about her lack of alone time with Ben more than her actual alone time with Ben, bashed obvious front-runner Lauren B. Ben told Lauren B., who then tearfully told the girls, who were agog that a woman would badmouth another woman in front of a guy they both liked.
Later, Leah slinked into the darkness to continue slandering Lauren. Ben thanked her for stopping by, then told her to make like a whisk and beat it.
The first two-on-one date included Emily and a worry-free Olivia. The trio took a sphincter-shattering speedboat to a stack of rocks masquerading as a private island. Olivia offered a litany of her best traits and professed her love for Ben.
After two minutes alone with Emily, Ben walked Olivia thirteen feet to the other side of the island, and dumped her. As Ben and Emily sped off, Olivia— gobsmacked in her mom-jeans—squealed like a hotdog-deprived pig on the rocky shore.
Ben, brimming with self-doubt and speedboat-induced IBS, canceled the cocktail party and grudgingly handed out roses. It was Paradise Lost for Lauren H., who got shoved into an SUV to cry over the indignities of finding love on reality television.
This episode offered us life lessons galore:
1. If you can’t say something nice, shut up and sip your cocktail. Attacking someone to make yourself look good is as transparent as white linen pants.
2. If you’re being mistreated, quit whining and stand up for yourself.
3. Don’t fall in love with love. If you’re terrified of being in a relationship, you’re probably not ready.
4. Remember the “you” before your confidence collapsed like Demi Moore’s post-Stripteasecareer? Be that “you” and validate yourself.
5. Yep, some women are catty and form cliques tighter than an un-Spanxed waistband, but if everyone is at odds with the same person, she may be great TV, but she’s definitely bad news.
“The Bachelor” airs Mondays at 8 p.m. on ABC.