Salacious Rumors & Hook Ups
Chartering the waters of celebrity coupledom was nearly impossible to do this week without running the U.S.S. Random aground.
Us Weekly resurrected their story that Jamie Foxx and Katie Holmes have had a thing on the down low for a while, this time throwing a source into the mix who claims Katie has taken to wearing wigs and disguises when she goes to score some man relish. It could be the PTSD from watching her ex-husband’s performance in the latest Mission Impossible film talking, but all I can picture is Jamie sending Katie a booty call via Snapchat: “Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to get over here and hop on my dick!” Then, when he answers the door, Katie pulls off her Tom Cruise mask and they get down to fuckytimes.
The Clitness Protection Program might want to open up a few extra safe houses for this next one. Miley Cyrus, owner of all real estate found at the corner of Dear Lord, Make It Stop Boulevard and Put On Some Damn Clothes Avenue is reportedly rubbing her Manic Panic pubes all over comedian Dane Cook. Since social media is the reflection of the soul or some shit (Confucius, maybe?), I did a little digging on Instagram and these two are made for each other. That is, if you have terribly low standards and dig a never-ending stream of shirtless selfies on both sides.
Join me in an interpretive dance dedicated to assholes that use the tragedy of September 11, 2001 for ill-gotten gains. This isn’t an advanced Zumba class or your mama’s 1988 Jazzercise—it’s just miming a swift kick square to the nuts of actor Steve Rannazzisi for fabricating a fake “I Survived 9/11” story and riding it as far and as fast as he could until The New York Times called him on his bullshit. Steve had claimed for years he’d been working on the 54th floor of the South Tower when Flight 175 hit it. In reality, he had been assigned by his temp agency to work at another building in downtown Manhattan. Steve, who long credited his made-up brush with death for inspiring his move to California to pursue acting, issued an apology on Twitter and through his rep, saying: “The story was told by an immature young man.”
Go sit in the corner with Brian Williams, Steve.
There Can Only Be One
A handful of the more fame-thirsty Kardashians and Jenners rolled out paid apps this week. For $2.99 a month, app owners can enjoy exclusive content from Kendall, Kylie, Khloe and Kim. If you’ve been crossing everything from your fingers to your labia that the entire family would fall into a bottomless pit, I have good(ish) news. 74% of the 800,000+ downloads of the four apps went to Kylie and only 9% to Kim. Don’t let the door hit ya where your excellent and discreet plastic surgeon split ya.
This original piece by Megan was written exclusively for In the Powder Room, a division of Hold My Purse Productions, LLC. Featured photos in collage (edited) courtesy of Jamie Foxx (Twitter), Dane Cook & Kylie Jenner (Instagram), and Comedy Central.