Welcome to our fourth installment of “Mother Rose Best,” our own unique weekly recap of The Bachelor, with bonus parenting advice mined from the rose scented wreckage…
Week Four began with fourteen women draped over a sectional, complaining about exhaustion. You think it’s easy spending all day applying mascara and waiting for craft services? Bitch, please.
Off to Vegas! Ben, giddy with producer-coached enthusiasm, got excited because people fall in love there all the time. Just like on national television!
Fresh from the BunnyRanch School of Beauty, the girls hit The Strip. When a digital love letter appeared on a building, they squealed and shuddered like they just saw the Bellagio’s breakfast buffet.
JoJo’s intimate date involved rooftop champagne and yet another helicopter, which blew a bistro table into Ben’s left kidney. JoJo, concerned, asked about her hair. If only she’d had her unicorn head to protect it. Ben discovered that her last relationship ended five months ago—exactly enough time to fill out her application and shop for bikinis.
The group daters performed a talent show in front of 1,200 attendees and 3,846 complimentary cocktails. The twins danced a jig, Jubilee played cello, and Olivia wore a sequined thong for three minutes without picking it out of her ass. She may earn her living in front of a camera and caked in HD-friendly make-up, but watching her was as painful as sequin-induced anal fissures.
After Ben’s pity hug, Olivia had a panic attack in a restroom while a PA held her boa. Caila, unsure of group-dating protocol, wrapped her legs around Ben’s torso and took to his face like a deer to a salt lick. “She’s a sex panther!” Ben announced, which made Caila’s daddy very proud.
Becca and Ben wore wedding attire and officiated ceremonies, which led to a discussion about the difficult life of virgins. Later, since the twins hail from Vegas, Ben found it appropriate to take them home and dump Haley right in front of her mother.
Pre-rose ceremony, Ben toasted his future wives before enduring yet another round of Olivia “FEELING FEELS NOT FELT BEFORE.” What happens in Vegas stays there, but Rachel and Amber don’t, even though everyone thought Rachel had left already. Amber sobbed barefoot behind a giant vase.
When you have the constitution of a breadcrumb, group dating causes lapses in etiquette. Remember:
1. A Little Goes a Long Way: Admitting infallibility is admirable. Forcing someone to acknowledge you made a friggin’ fool of yourself is masochistic.
2. Actions speak louder than words. No matter how many times she proclaims to be “The One,” Olivia folds like a diaphragm whenever Ben gets within sniffing distance of a pair of ovaries.
3. Dishing and lying about your date? Loose lips are worse than cankles.
4. Even in Vegas, Ben won’t double down. While Haley was busy hiding pictures of her ex, Emily was badmouthing her twin. It’s okay to extol your virtues, but plain tacky to disparage someone else’s.
5. If you’re like Olivia and enjoy romance novels, don’t believe everything you read. Especially a blog dedicated to your fat toes.