Poop is the new Om.
It’s been a hundred and fifty years since my five-year-old son’s school year ended a few weeks ago and my nerves are not what they used to be. Over the summer my child started practicing a form of meditation that involves the daily repetition of the several mantras over and over again. This practice differs from other forms of meditation in its vocality and the fact that the mantras have to be directed AT someone, the same person the meditator identifies as the culprit responsible for all their shitty karma.
Here are some of the mantras I’ve been subjected to on a daily basis. When reading you have to imagine them as all capped and followed by multiple exclamation marks.
1. “Why are you taking so long”or its more subtle cousin “Why is THIS taking so long?”
The beauty of this mantra is its flexibility. It covers an extremely wide range of scenarios. It can be applied to anything from a car ride gone awry to the sandwich that was requested thirty seconds ago to the Lego person’s freaking hair piece that you are furiously trying to remove AS the meditator meditates at you.
2. “Can I watch another show?”
This mantra is usually repeated in a loop. As all other mantras it does not assume a (negative) response. The meditator repeats it over and over again until nirvana is achieved.
3. “This is the worst day ever.”
Reflective mantra. Usually applied to describe a day when you took him to the beach, bought ice-cream, had a couple of impromptu play dates and refused a third episode in a row of Scooby Doo.
4. “I wish (insert the name of the only friend they didn’t get to play with today) was here.”
Mantra designed to explore the depth of one’s emotional gamut stretching between whiny and ragey on any given summer day.
5. “I need more ketchup.”
Don’t let that whole new age facade fool you.
The new Om. Frequent repetition brings catharsis.
7. “But why does he get to (insert preferred life threatening activity toddler sibling decides to engage in)?”
Why should only little brother be in the moment?
8. “Today is the worst day ever, I wish the friend I didn’t get to play with was here already, but why is it taking so long?”
Evidence that your meditator has achieved the highest level of spirituality combining several favourite mantras into one complex practice.
Is your child meditating this summer?