An unfiltered Sex Ed teacher shares what she wishes she could say.
Ladies—I have a super power, and that super power is the ability to talk to pretty much anyone about bodies, sexual health, and vaginas. I am that mythical creature known as the sexual health educator.
I’ve been doing this job for a long time and my focus is on working with groups of girls. I love it. I find immense joy in explaining to these giggling groups how to insert a tampon correctly, and that they’re eventually going to grow pubes in their ass-cracks. What more could a person ask for in a profession? It’s fucking amazing.
I do have one problem with my job—the fact that my adult humor has to be kept far away from these classes. There are times, when certain questions are asked, that I have to pause and collect myself before I respond, to ensure that I don’t give a totally inappropriate reply. It goes against my very nature, but I do not want to scare these kids nor anger their parents.
Let me give you a couple of examples:
Question #1. “Does it hurt to get your period?”
“Every person has a different menstrual cycle—some women get mild cramps, while other women get very intense ones. There are ways to mitigate the pain with yoga, exercise, heating pads, and over-the-counter pain medication. Some girls with really intense pain may need prescription medication from their doctors.”
Totally Inappropriate Answer:
“Girls, I’m going to have to give a big fat ‘Fuck Yes’ to this one. I can’t speak for other women, but my period starts with mild cramping, which then turns into explosive diarrhea for three hours.
The runny shit bombs proceed to set off a storm of stabbing pains that can last for 4-8 hours. My advice? Forget over-the-counter pills, and go straight for the good shit, like Percocet. It may not kill the pain, but you’ll be high as fuck, and you won’t even care if your poo splatters on the back of the toilet lid.
Once the drama has subsided, you’ll be left crumpled up in a sweaty, stinky ball on the floor. Your ass will be raw, your uterus will feel like an arthritic athlete after an Iron Man triathlon, and you will have the brain power of a two-year-old. Welcome to womanhood!”
Question #2. “Is it hard to insert a tampon?”
“It can be a little tricky the first few times. The hardest part is finding your vaginal opening. I recommend washing your hands and inserting a finger into your vagina before attempting to insert a tampon. This will help you find the opening, and understand that your vagina tilts towards your spine; at that point, you can practice inserting the tampon. Push it in until you can no longer feel it; that’s how you know it’s in properly.”
“Fuck yes, it’s hard. Especially when you’re twelve and you have no idea what’s going on down below. First off, let’s get one thing straight. You have THREE holes down there. Not all of them are for tampons.
The opening in the middle is your vag. Don’t say ‘Eeewwww’ either—it is part of your amazing body, and just because it’s moist and smells somewhat like sushi doesn’t mean it’s gross. Please, for the love of God, before you gather any more baggage about your lovely lady bits, I want to tell you that they are good, they are right, and they are yours to do with whatever you want. Trust me—you will come to love them.
Back to tampons—I wore them incorrectly for the first five years of my period, and I hated them with a passion. My mom always bought me the super-sized ones that were ten inches long and two inches in diameter. Those fuckers stuck out of my vagina and hurt like hell. When I finally discovered that they actually made tampons that weren’t as large as a vacuum hose, I was set.”
As you can see, my totally inappropriate answers are not meant for the tender ears of prepubescent girls. That said, I wish there were a better scene for girls going through puberty. They do have access to some great resources, but by the time they’re old enough to take my classes, most of them are so ashamed and embarrassed of their bodies, they can’t even fathom touching themselves or practicing with a tampon.
Thankfully, I have this super power, and I choose to use it for good, not evil.
This is an edited version of a piece originally posted on Totally Inappropriate Mom. Revised and reprinted with permission In the Powder Room, a division of Hold My Purse Productions, LLC. Featured image ©depositphotos.com/Syda_Productions.
(Pssst. We have a whole Pinterest board dedicated to lady bits. Of course we do.)