Thanks for Holding via In the Powder Room

Thanks for Holding

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The best way to get someone to end the hold they’ve placed on your phone call is to go to the bathroom. Without fail, you’ll hear the words, “Thanks for holding,” the second you start to pee.

That’s when the dilemma starts. Do I keep peeing and try to hide it or try to stop peeing and finish the conversation?

Today I was on hold for the nice woman at the school board to whom I’d just finished delivering a ginormous pile of verbal diarrhea and she was off finding me a name and phone number of someone who might give a shit. Apparently there weren’t a lot of shit-givers on duty, because I was on hold for so long World War III started upstairs where my three kids were playing, and at some point during my intervention I forgot I had the phone attached to my head. My days lately are a continuous daze of one distraction after another and while still on hold, I wandered into the bathroom and was sitting on the can still shouting at the kids when I heard . . .

“Thanks for holding. I have that name and number for you.”

I was so startled by the sudden voice in my ear—I almost dropped the phone into the toilet. Good thing I didn’t because it would have passed through Niagara Falls on the way, which I was suddenly attempting to shut off. I’d been on hold for so long, I’d forgotten I was even holding the phone and now she could probably hear me peeing. I managed to dial things down to a trickle, but this took so much effort I couldn’t talk at the same time. My head was going to pop off if I did, I just knew it.

She started reciting information I was supposed to be writing down. What she thought was going on at my end I’ll never know for sure but I’m pretty sure she knew I was on the toilet.

She must have heard my semi-staccato stream each time I spoke, my responses suddenly clipped really short into single syllables, “Yup, kay, kay, mm-hmm, thanks, bye.”

I spent all that time on hold, and in the end I couldn’t even write the number down. Hopefully if I can remember the name, Google will do the rest for me later. The whole time she was talking, all I could think was Does she know? Does she know? Squeeze! Don’t pee don’t pee don’t pee . . .

It was bladder wars, and it sucked because even when you’re winning, you’re losing. There is no triumph in Kegeling your bladder into back-flow, trust me. Apparently I’ve reached a new level of aging I wasn’t prepared for, where telephone call preparation is required much like it is before Zumba class. That’s life though, right? All we can really do is go with the flow. And do Kegels. We can always do Kegels.

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Crazy Mama is a Mother to 3 boys and a boat load of dogs. She earned a degree in Psychology with a minor in Sociology and is happily employed as a warehouse worker surrounded by books, but she prefers the term book bouncer. When she’s not chasing kids and pets she’s finding her voice over at and happily exploring the blogosphere and all the wonderful things it has to offer.

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  1. says

    Oh I have so been there. I cover up the mic part of the phone as much as I can and try to force the pee out in the three seconds the other person is talking. It doesn’t work, but I like thinking I get an A for effort.

  2. says

    I totally try to Kegel my way out these situations when they happen, but mostly I end up explaining that I’m. a. very. busy. woman. who. needs. to. CLEAN. THE. BATHTUB. while. on. hold. andIwasjustrinsingtheAjaxdownthedrainsoexcusethetengallonsofwaterrushinginthebackground.

    • says

      LOL I may just try that one. I bet it would work even better if I still lived in my tiny house where you could reach the sink from the can. I never realized what the designers had in mind there, but I think they were onto something 😉

  3. says

    OMG! I love this and can so totally relate! How in the hell do they know when we’re getting to IT and then they answer! Grrrr….I’m so tempted to say “Excuse me, would you mind holding a few minutes? I’m right in the middle of my afternoon shit!” LOL

    Love it!

    • says

      I know right? It’s like some of them are psychic and have the worst sense of humor. First they make you hold until you wonder if you’ll die waiting, then answer exactly when you don’t want them too!

  4. says

    Absolutely have been there. Of course I’ve also been on the phone with a friend who said, “okay, I”m going to keep talking to you but I have to pee so if you hear something that’s what it is.” I’m okay with that but she could also say, hey let me call you back in a sec.