The First Rule of Mom Club via In the Powder Room

The First Rule of Mom Club

Sometimes, I dream of having a Pinterest-inspired home. I would have a color-coordinated mudroom. A chevron pattern would most definitely be involved. I would pack beautiful lunches for my children in Bento boxes—the food would be arranged in snazzy animal shapes and I would include love notes written on homemade paper. I would sew matching outfits from old curtains and sing “The Hills Are Alive with the Sound of Music.” I would be the most hated loved woman on Pinterest.

But sometimes, my Pinterest dreaming gives way to another kind of dream. It’s like Pinterest’s crack whore cousin.

Last week, I was awakened at 3:00 a.m. by racing thoughts of:

Who has 6:00 a.m. practice?

Did I return the 87 permission slips due yesterday?

Do I smell stinky soccer cleats or for the love of all things holy, is that smell my breath?

I should buy a chevron pillow.

Did the kids even do their homework?

Wait, did they even eat dinner?

After getting up and attacking the Listerine bottle, I stumbled to my computer—aka the magic box of distraction. When I came across this clip from the movie Fight Club (not that I was searching for Brad Pitt clips at 3:30 a.m.) . . .

And that’s when my pretty Pinterest fantasies took a sudden dark turn.

What if moms were more like the fellas in Fight Club? What if . . . just what if we turned the tables on those little bastards people who run our lives?

It might look a little like this:

Imagine the possibilities! No more whining. No more last minute bake sale requests. And definitely no more sass-talking teens.

But, as often happens, the brilliant ideas that come to me in the night don’t seem so brilliant when the sun comes up. They just seem . . . well, like a distant Pinterest crack whore dream.

 

Kerry Rossow is a recovering teacher who blogs about life shenanigans, house crashing and house stalking at her blog, HouseTalkN.com. Her mother threatens to read that blog so she writes about things like 69, dildos, and her moral shortcomings In the Powder Room. Kerry likes to talk about herself in the third person. Kerry brings shame to her family on a daily basis. Kerry is one of the hilarious co-authors of our new best-selling humor anthology “You Have Lipstick on Your Teeth” and co-founder/sho-conspirator of the “That’s What She Said” show.

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  1. says

    If this were church, I’d be standing on the pew shouting “Amen, Sister!”

    Pintrest scares me. I don’t even know what the hell a bento box is.

    I love the little eyebrow lift at the end. Well done.

    P.S. I’ve been a minivan owner for 5 days now. Sigh.

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