Welcome to our 10th installment of “Mother Rose Best,” our own unique weekly recap of The Bachelor, with bonus parenting advice mined from the rose-scented wreckage…
Week Ten promised tears, backbiting, and women baring all. Either the mansion’s esthetician was making the rounds, or it was the famous “Women Tell All” episode.
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But first Chris and Ben crashed viewing parties where they met babies wearing “Mrs. Higgins” onesies (that’s not creepy at all), fainting pajama-clad women, and a grandma begging Ben to eat her pasta.
The girls and a chicken were introduced to varying levels of enthusiasm. Chris asked them if they expected this much drama. They were twenty-eight attention-starved roommates with synced-up cycles and a diet of chardonnay and croutons. What did he think they were going to say? Tired of his pussy-footing, the girls changed the subject to how much they hated Olivia.
Promising they’d get their chance to bash her apart like a dollar store piñata, Chris called Jubilee first to the “Hot Seat”—the chair named after the medical condition all the contestants leave with. Chris repeatedly told Jubilee how much Ben liked her until her dreadful past and abandonment issues messed everything up. Good thing they didn’t mess with her recent promotion to Sargent.
Lace, dressed like a slutty Elvis, relived special moments such as the time she berated “Bad Lace” for overshadowing “Good Lace,” and the time she complained about Jubilee flashing her vagina. Even though the words are tattooed on her body, she couldn’t remember to “love herself first.” As she was blaming the background music for making her appear crazy, the lid to Lace’s pot jumped on stage, revealing a tattoo of her face across his right kidney and a giant red flag on his left.
Next up on the Salem Bitch Trials was Olivia, who—stabilized by her cankles and Martian toes—prepared to talk smart things. The twins bullied her into admitting she bullied them, Amanda rehashed the “Teen Mom” comment and Chris begged to hear at least ten horrible things said about Olivia on social media.
“The mouth thing was kind of funny,” she admitted.
At last Ben returned to face his former paramours, who grilled him about hot-button issues such as being a tattle-tale, and his new skinny-ass, silent-movie-villain mustache.
Ben gave a bunch of “Who the eff cares?” answers to a bunch of “Why the eff do you still care?” questions, and finished by admitting he was engaged and in love.
The hens didn’t “tell” much, but their contrition, reflection, and delusion netted some golden eggs of wisdom:
1. When your ex is engaged to someone else, that’s closure. Move on.
2. If it’s mentally debilitating to watch yourself fall apart on television, don’t agree to appear on an even less respectable show.
3. Bad editing is a good excuse for bad behavior on TV, but it doesn’t fly in real life.
4. Even if a relationship doesn’t work out, gain confidence knowing that someone really liked you, and that you liked them enough to have your heart broken.
5. Plenty of introverts grow up to be well-adjusted and kind; it’s not an excuse to be a rude, duplicitous twatscicle.
“The Bachelor” airs Mondays at 8|7c on ABC.