The Reason I Shopped for a Merkin via In the Powder Room

The Reason I Shopped for a Merkin

I was hanging with a girlfriend the other day at her pool, drinking wine and chatting her up about the latest People magazine. Wearing shorts, I kept looking down at my lily-white legs, dotted with brown age spots, reflecting—definitely not soaking UP—the sun.

Standing up, I took a long look at my knees. These are NOT the knees I once knew and loved so well. These are the knees of my mother . . .

Gravity sucks.

Literally.

Gravity is sucking the life and the perk out of my body, from my head all the way down to my saggy knees, and everything in between. I learned that one the hard way after my first (and only) Brazilian bikini wax.

A couple of years ago I decided that since my better half is a pilot, and was turning 50, a landing strip would be the new coolest thing between my Laura Ashley sheets. I had not done this before, so I headed for the local waxing place. The owner has a VW bug with a sticker wrap all over it that advertises her Brazilian business. Gotta love her guts. Also I figured you need to consult the experts.

We all know those waxing horror stories of pain and embarrassment. All true. And this girl who grew up in a house where body modesty was beaten in to her was extremely nervous and embarrassed. I also made sure my fine china was the cleanest it’s ever been. I think it was in shock. For 50 years it’s been just fine thank you but this was a special occasion.

After assessing my unruly lower hairdo, Brazilian Super Model had me lie back, relax and endure hot and painful ripping. Thank God she spoke Portuguese. I’m sure there were some choice words said about my cooter that I didn’t want to understand.

All finished, she had me sit up and stand in front of the mirror. Looking at the new style I was pleased. Until I noticed something hanging there. Something I had never seen before.

Something angry and exposed by the loss of its protective hairdo.

No longer lady bits, these were lady bags.

Brazilian Super Model seeing the shock on my face gently said, “Oh, that’s just the labia, it gets longer as you get older. Sometimes it stretches out a bit, especially if you’ve had children . . . ”

This was not what I was expecting as part of the birthday celebration. Now what?? I quickly hurried home and got on Google. God forbid anyone looks at my Internet history.

I quickly discovered what a merkin was and seriously considered the purchase. How will that look on my PayPal statement when I buy it on eBay???

I needed a taco toupee and quick. I Googled Gucci Coochie. Um no. I’ll just get him flat out snockered on scotch and no one will know any better.

Thankfully, my better half really couldn’t care less what was in the landing zone. Darkness does have its advantages.

Then again, there’s always eBay.

Mary Anne Payne is a writer and blogs at ForeverMidlife.com. She writes about midlife, teenagers and other ridiculous things as she has had un-treated ADD since the 6th grade. She has been featured on BlogHer, The Huffington Post, Better After 50, Midlife Boulevard and Horse Nation. Her goal is to keep her self and her home from being featured on Hoarders and she prays the rosary daily so her mother won’t find out she has a blog.

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  1. Lisa Hewitt says

    I feel your pain, Literally. Both the waxing and the merkin. See, there once was a lady names Iris, honey, she made me laugh and laugh, kinda like this did, and she mentioned “merkin” one day and I too, headed to the google and I clicked on images. Burned my retinas. I still have merkin nightmares. The waxing – I did that all by myself. At her suggestion, I’m sure, she is always talking about the lady bits, keeping the lady garden neat, blah, blah, blah. I still love her, but I will never forget the merkin. My ISP (the cable company) had to come to my house that week – they Saw my history. Every little bit of it.

  2. says

    Less Brazilian wax and more Brazilian rainforest? Full of lost tribes and never before seen animals. And there’s definitely some endangered stuff.

  3. Diane Black says

    Oh, my God, MAP!!! I was laughing so hard my husband came over to see what it was that was so funny. He wandered off with a bewildered look on his face. Maybe I need to show him the Amazon Veet review . . .

  4. says

    This is the funniest thing I’ve read in awhile. I’m forty-eight and I’ve kind of been thinking of a wax, just to sort of…you know, kick start things between my Laura Ashley sheets (and OMG aren’t those nice?)

    But no. Now I won’t. I don’t want to know what things look like under there. It’s sort of like why I keep coloring my hair…I have no idea to what extent the gray has taken over and…you know…I like it that way.

    LOVE this.

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