You are having a labiaplasty. You can only bring one person (or group of people) with you to wait with you while you have your surgery. Whom do you choose?
A girl on the Netflix documentary Sexy Baby took her mom with her. That struck me as a bit odd, but it also raised a very important question: whom would I bring with me to my hypothetical labiaplasty? I decided to take some time out of my clearly incredibly busy life to ponder the answer.
I have to admit that the whole labiaplasty phenomenon has come as a shock to me. I went to a public school, so I had no idea that labia came in all shapes and sizes. (There’s even a slight chance that I believed that the labia majora formed part of a lesser-known star chain, or referred to an exotic species of ladybug.) So I was already at a disadvantage, because I had to spend the time looking up the meaning of “labiaplasty” (DON’T DO AN IMAGE SEARCH) instead of focusing on who would make up my post-surgery squad.
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But after much thought and careful consideration, I was finally able to concoct my list of The Top Three People I’d Want with Me at My Labiaplasty:
1. Honestly, I think that my first choice would be to go stag. This isn’t because I’d be embarrassed of the procedure—I’m not labia-shaming anyone over here. No woman should be ashamed to trim what the Sexy Baby documentary referred to as a “meat curtain,” or to tell all of her homies about it. Make it an event on Facebook, for all I care! I just don’t think I personally would want to bring any of the people I’d tell about it.
For one thing, I don’t think that my friends would want to call off work just so that they could sit there while I got reconstructive surgery on my mouth in the south. Not to mention, what would my “plus one” do there? Hold a Hello Kitty-shaped ice pack to my groin? Change my bandages? When I wake up from surgery, will he be there holding my hand while using his other hand to brush back my hair, asking: “How do you feel? Are you in any pain?”
2. A full camera crew. All of that said, my second choice would be to go ahead and just hire an entire camera crew. You know—go full-on lady-balls to the wall. Invite the entire fucking world. I’ve always thought about ways to make my vagina more recognizable than my face without having to release a sex tape, and this seems like the best alternative solution.
Who knows what that footage would even be used for. Creepy porn? An educational video? The next great reality show? That’s not even my concern. Just knowing that I’d have the possibility of flooding the Internet with a surgical procedure being done on my vagina is more than enough for me.
3. The band The Eagles. There’s not really a reason for this choice other than the fact that I’ve always wanted to go to an Eagles concert, but have never actually mustered the energy to go. Because I’d be temporarily disabled—thanks to the (professional) hack job taking place between my legs—my labiaplasty would be the perfect time to rhythmically sway my upper half to the sweet sounds of “Hotel California.”
And now I will return the question to you:
Whom would you bring with you to your labiaplasty?
This original piece by was written exclusively for In the Powder Room, a division of Hold My Purse Productions, LLC. Featured image © ljsphotography via depositphotos.com.