"Wedge Queen" the story of how one woman fell in love with thong underwear and never looked (ahem) back, by @urbanmoocow via @inthepowderroom humor | women | fashion | underwear |

Wedge Queen: The True Story of a Girl and Her Thong

What’s worse: a perpetual wedgie or VPL? The great thong debate rages on…

 

“How can you not?” is my snarky, standard rejoinder to the oft-posed question, How can you wear a thong every day? But I have grown weary of deflecting. I am here to recount, at long last, the true story of my love affair with the maligned thong, the world’s most misunderstood article of lingerie.

I recall clearly the day my friend first introduced us in college. “Thongs are the best,” she crooned. “No underwear lines!”

Sheltered as I was in the middle-class enclave of my youth, I had not the faintest idea what she meant. Among the many meaningful lessons I learned in college—private school kids have a leg up; staying awake during chemistry is impossible; the freshman fifteen is alive and kicking—the crassness of underwear lines was revelatory. I bought a thong at my friend’s insistence and never looked, ahem, back.

Due to the peculiar, apparently conical shape of my enormous derriere, no matter what I do, regular underwear funnels down into the crack, forming a perpetual wedgie. The truth set me free: I had been wearing thongs my entire life. Massive, crumpled-up, cotton brief-shaped thongs. Compared to that, the sleek, quarter-inch string of my new infatuation was virtually undetectable. Thong for the win!

I have tried every shape and fabric of underwear under the sun. Cotton, microfiber, lace, cotton/poly blend. Regular bikini, string bikini, brief, high-cut, low-cut. Wedgie, wedgie, super wedgie, slightly less of a wedgie and still a wedgie. The newish “boy short” style seems to be my best option. But boy shorts of a size that will cover my prodigious rear ride too low on the front of my thighs, rolling up as soon as I take two steps. It’s like the camel toe of underwear lines. To fix that problem, I have to buy a size-too-small, resulting in a permanent plumber butt. That my husband thinks it’s cute is small consolation.

Apropos of size, a new reason has recently surfaced for wearing thong underwear. Before my son was born, I was a size small, but it’s going to be a cold day in Mephistophelesville before this ass sees that size again. Thongs take my butt—which currently accounts for about 70 percent of my total body mass—out of the equation, needing only to accommodate the less conspicuous layer of superfluous fat nestled on my hip bones. Instead of reducing myself to tears buying XXL bloomers from the mail-order catalogue on my 95-year-old Grandmother’s coffee table, I shrug, go online and choose Medium.

You might think my own clear-headed analysis would thwart and render inert the self-deception, but you would be wrong. I know I would not be a size medium in regular underwear, but I do not care. I fit into medium-sized thongs, therefore I am a size medium. The end.

And that, friends, is the true story of how I went from Wedge Queen to Empress of All Things Thong. Stop by my empire some time. You may find you like it.

"Wedge Queen" the story of how one woman fell in love with thong underwear and never looked (ahem) back, by @urbanmoocow via @inthepowderroom  humor | women | fashion | underwear |

This original piece by Debra Cole was written exclusively for In the Powder Rooma division of Hold My Purse Productions, LLC.  

Image © depositphotos.com/Genika.

For a good time, connect with us on Facebook and Twitter.

Debra Cole is a writer and blogger who lives in Brooklyn with a patient husband, an impatient toddler and a sweet but neurotic corgi. You can find her at her blog, www.UrbanMooCow.com, a place for thoughtful analysis of modern parenting—with a side of humor.

Keep the conversation going...

comments

Comments

  1. says

    So funny, Deb! And I had a similar introduction to thongs when I was about 23. A friend said she loved them, and so I tried one and have never looked, ahem, back again. They really are more comfortable (and I’m still laughing so thank you for that)!

  2. says

    So funny, Deb! I’ve actually been thinking a lot about underwear lately. Pregnancy and underwear confuse me. Should I wear granny underwear? Invest in real maternity underwear? And which size? Do they make maternity thongs?

    • says

      Lol. I don’t know about maternity. I think I wore thongs the whole time? Because of the increasing ass-size issue? I bet there are maternity thongs though. Someone has definitely cornered the market on that…

    • Erika says

      They do indeed make maternity things. I have some motherhood maternity ones I still wear! Buy your regular size. :)

      I too am a thing girl except for those times when it sucks to be a girl and regular skivvies are called for… Not talking about Flo and Rita either….

  3. says

    HAHAHAHA This is the EXACT reason why I am a thong girl. The “granny” panties end up there anyway. At least this way I am only dealing with a scrap of fabric rather than a yard!!

  4. Angie Vasquez says

    Love this and completely agree! A friend introduced them to me in college as well as a solution to the perpetual wedgie. I can’t imagine going back to regular underwear; my backside doesn’t need any additional bulk.

  5. says

    OMG! I remember those days of regular panties bunching up in my crack and feeling like I took a crap in my pants! Thank goodness for thongs and that tiny little string that reminds me of dental floss! You don’t even know it’s there!

    Thanks for the giggles!

  6. says

    I am super impressed with your knowledge of lingerie terminology. I am bothered by that perpetual wedge feeling, not gonna lie. Equally bothered by VPLs. I’ve resolved to wear jeans and A line dresses and skirts.

  7. says

    Oh, but hell no. There are so many things about being almost 48 that makes thongs something I’m happy to leave on the shelf. Or, in the very dark recesses of my lingerie drawer to be pulled out when…well, you know. Comfy undies and I have come to an uneasy truce. If you are comfortable in a thong…well, I just gotta say, thong on, girlfriend, thong on.

    Very entertaining piece and I enjoyed reading it.

  8. says

    LOL my sister is totally a thong person, and all I can say as we shop Victoria Secret’s underwear islands is, ewwwww….. Sorry.
    I totally respect your descision, I just can’t do it.
    But I also don’t live with the permanant wedgie issue you have either!

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *