…a penis. Basically I want a lady penis.
I can guess what many of you are thinking: “This better not be some thoughtless piece lampooning the issues of the transgender community.”
Well, I can assure you, it’s not. As a matter of fact, not only do I support the transgender community, I think there should be a whole separate group of bathrooms… for bigots.
But what I want to discuss is something entirely different. Recently, the first successful penis transplant brought to my mind just how much men are in charge. And if you’re a political junkie like me, you know that with women’s issues in this country we take one step forward and two steps back.
So I’m going for it. I want my own penis transplant, and I want it now!
Sure, I may only keep it long enough to engender change, but fuck it, I’m excited! I don’t believe a penis transplant has to completely change my gender, but I do believe it could have its advantages. I’m a lady on a war path for reform, and my new penis might just be that little something extra I’ll need for the boys’ club to take me seriously. With my new lady penis, the sky will be the limit. I’ll finally be able to:
1. Decide what’s best for my lady body. Because clearly, having a penis seems to be pretty important in Washington when it comes to knowing what’s best for women. Sure, there’s a few women in Congress, but with my new lady penis I’ll be able to regulate women’s issues with the rest of the guys… and be a secret insider too. Wink!
2. Make equal pay. Let’s close both the thigh gap and the wage gap—I want nothing to do with either.
3. Understand what all the anger about the all-female Ghostbusters movie is all about. Seriously, what the fuck?
4. Order for my date at a restaurant. The ability to just know what food my partner is craving will be built into my lady penis like a super power. It’s science.
5. Mansplain. That shit’s gonna be thoroughly awesome. As soon as I have my lady penis, I’m going to go see a particular friend of mine and mansplain to him why he needs to vaccinate his baby yesterday. (Side note: VACCINATE YOUR FUCKING KIDS.)
6. Pee standing up. It’s a common scenario: I walk into a disgusting bathroom, there’s no toilet paper, and unlike my friends, I have problems hovering over the seat. But with my new lady penis, no more bathroom intimidation. Problem solved!
7. Vote for a female presidential candidate without being accused of voting with my vagina. And anyway, that’s dumb. Everyone knows vaginas can’t vote. They don’t have any hands.
8. Become the Pope. I grew up Catholic, and my mom always said: “Men are the head of our Church, dear. That’s the way it’s always been, and that’s the way it’ll always be.” Not anymore, Mom! Just call me “Pope Elizabeth I: One Badass Pope Lady.”
9. Always think I look great no matter how old, fat, or bald I am. I simply can’t wait to get up, not even look in the mirror, and still be 100% sure that I’m hot. With a lady penis, naturally hating myself and spending hours agonizing over my looks will be a thing of the past. Bring. It. On.
10. Get into one of those old-money, men-only clubs where guys just sit around smoking cigars and drinking Scotch. Then fart, like… a lot.
11. Never have to wonder what it was like not to be able to vote before 1920.
12. Not have to pay a luxury tax on tampons. Wow. What a “luxury.” It’s like I’m a millionaire over here, just walking into stores willy-nilly and buying tampons. (If you must know, I often buy Cristal with them, because if I’m going to be luxurious as fuck and buy silly, frivolous items like tampons, I might as well go all out.)
One final note: I think I’d like my penis attached prominently somewhere, so that others can see it. Maybe in the palm of my hand, for example—which, from what I’m told, is where most penises spend their time anyway. That way, I could keep my lady penis concealed when I want to, but then when I need it? BOOM! LADY PENIS! It’ll be like showing a membership card. A membership card to all the places and rights that should have been open to women from day one.
This original piece by was written exclusively for In the Powder Room, a division of Hold My Purse Productions, LLC. Featured image © egorrr via depositphotos.com.