Want to get your man a gift he *really* wants? Then put your money where your mouth is.
Every year I listen to friends panicking about what to get their boyfriend/husband/partner for Christmas. I try not to act smug when I tell them I have already gotten my husband his gift, not only for Christmas, but also for every single holiday the entire next year.
Plus, it is something that he really wants. I mean, REALLY wants. In fact every man everywhere would agree that this is the perfect gift that never goes out of style. For goodness sake I will share this precious information with you: it is fa-la-la-la-la-fellatio.
I realized this five years into our marriage after I had given him every grill accessory that Brookstone had to offer. He can only have so many temperature reading tongs with handle bottle openers. The truth is if he really wants something, he will get it for himself. But last time I checked, he cannot give himself a blowjob. That is where I come in. It is the perfect gift for every occasion. In fact, my husband gets giddy with anticipation.
It is the gift that keeps on giving for any holiday.
New Years—Watch the Ball drop Blowjob
Valentines Day—Heart shaped Blowjob
Easter—Hard boiled Blowjob
Birthday—Blow out the Candles Blowjob
Anniversary—Better than Crystal Blowjob
July 4th—Independence Blowjob
One time I went on an all girls trip to Australia and left my husband with all of our kids . . . for 11 days. After I gave our boys their stuffed koalas, I offered my husband a special gift from Down Under.
It also comes in handy (no pun intended) when you find yourself in an argument and realize you are wrong and need to create a diversion. It doesn’t matter what the argument is about because this blowjob causes immediate amnesia from the previous five minutes.
The hard truth is that this is the gift that every man wants but is too afraid to ask. It is one size fits all. It doesn’t cost a thing, it’s convenient and you don’t need to look any further than your face. Let him take a load off. The farthest distance you will need to travel is to your knees. No gift-wrap (if you are in a committed relationship of course). No exchanges. However, I’m always open to returns.
People say that my husband is a holiday fanatic, and now you know why he has a smile on his face. He not only counts down the days until Christmas, but every holiday throughout the year. And he is always on his best behavior. When he sings the “Hallelujah Chorus” at church it can be heard around the world.
This is a gift that speaks in various tongues and is universally understood.
This year give it a try and join the BJ Club. There is no membership fee. You (or your husband) can thank me later.
After all, this is the season of giving.
This original piece by Noelle Elliott was written exclusively for In the Powder Room, a division of Hold My Purse Productions, LLC. Featured image © egorr via iStockphoto.