What Will Happen if You Try to Steam Your Vagina via In the Powder Room

What Will Happen if You Try to Steam Your Vagina

Brazilian waxes, vajazzling, and pubic dyeing . . . we thought we’d heard it all. But no—apparently ladies who like to take extra care of their undercarriage are now steaming their vaginas. Yes, vaginal steaming, it’s a thing. And although Gwyneth herself has only recently touted its many virtues, (“If you’re in LA, you have to do it,”) this personal care practice has been around for centuries. If you’re a mom interested in trying it out, here’s how it works:

  1. Steep some special herbs from ancient recipes.
  2. Pour 317 LEGO out of your biggest bowl and wash it out.
  3. When your son asks you what you’re doing, answer with anything but, “Getting ready to steam my vagina.”
  4. Clear out a corner of the bathroom, then drag in two kitchen chairs and a baking sheet.
  5. Precariously balance the baking sheet on the bottom rung of the chairs.
  6. Put on movie to distract the kids for 20-40 minutes.
  7. Carry steaming hot bowl of crotch tea to the bathroom.
  8. Place bowl on baking tray and sit above it with one butt cheek on each chair.
  9. Set timer on phone.
  10. Put phone down and think meditative healthy thoughts about your womanly plumbing.
  11. Get bored. Pick phone up.
  12. See only 3 minutes have passed.
  13. Play on phone while your bits and pieces lightly broil.
  14. Bend over to look at what’s happening down there. Feel both confused and not very vitalized.
  15. Stand up, dump out lady water, pat dry, never drink herbal tea again.

 

Featured image © depositphotos.com/belchonock. This original piece by Kim Bongiorno was written exclusively for In the Powder Rooma division of Hold My Purse Productions, LLC. 

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Kim Bongiorno is an author, freelance writer, and blogger. Best known for hitting with the funny then surprising with the sweet on Let Me Start By Saying, she has also been published in numerous books, writes all over the web, and was selected as a 2013 BlogHer Voice of the Year. Lucky for us, she’s also one of the co-authors of our bestselling women’s humor anthology, “You Have Lipstick on Your Teeth.” Connect with her on Facebook and Twitter @LetMeStart.

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  1. says

    Thank you so much for the inspiration! Not for vag steaming, but for a solution to a parenting problem I’ve been having. It always bugs me that the first thing the kids say to me when they get home from school is, “What’s for dinner” – so when I answer, “A steaming hot bowl of crotch tea” today, that problem will be a thing of the past.

  2. says

    From now on, my answer to “what are you doing?” will always be “Getting ready to steam my vagina.” If that’s not a conversation ender I don’t know what is. Thank you.

  3. Kaly says

    Whew. I’m glad you cleared that up. I had just plugged in my clothes steamer and was about to go to town. My pink parts thank you.

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