Bet this guy owns a set of truck nuts

Where’s the Beef?

“Truck Nuts” people, we have some important questions for you.

 

Last Christmas, I got to experience a real Christmas miracle.

I was leaving the parking lot of my local strip mall, when what did my wondering eyes did appear? A giant set of silver balls, sitting there in the middle of the driveway. It’s like Santa Claus and Jesus got together and put those balls there just for me. I threw the car in park, leapt out and grabbed those nuts before my car slid into traffic and forced me to explain to my insurance company that I wasn’t actually driving my car during the accident because I had to retrieve my giant nuts from the road.

 

truck nuts
The actual truck nuts rescued by Janel.

 

Once I got my balls home, I realized what had happened: it hadn’t been Santa or Jesus who had left those balls there for me. Some unfortunate redneck had lost their truck nuts.

This is sad enough in itself, but after awhile, I realized there was something even sadder: my balls looked kind of lonely. I mean, what kind of sense does it make to have a beautiful set of testicles without an equally attractive penis attached? I don’t understand why you would hang a set of balls from your truck without an impressively-sized wang. Maybe I don’t understand the concept behind truck nuts. Is your truck supposed to be the dick? Or is the driver? I mean, I know the driver has an enormous dick because he’s driving an extended-cab pickup truck that runs on diesel with no muffler.

So tell me, truck nuts people: where’s the beef?

Because let me tell you something: Beyoncé never wrote a song about riding a couple of bean bag chairs. Ladies want the surf board. Which, by the way, did you guys know that song is about Jay-Z’s dick? Because if so, SOMEBODY COULD HAVE CLUED ME IN ON THAT FACT BEFORE LETTING ME SING IT TO MYSELF AT THE GROCERY STORE.

Anyways, women don’t specifically need Jay-Z’s penis (although I’m guessing a good percentage of us wouldn’t necessarily turn it down). All I’m saying is the dong is the star of the junk show. We put up with the balls because we have to. There isn’t a single category in which the penis doesn’t trump the nuts: looks, smell, texture, location. Nobody can argue that a cock is way more attractive than even the prettiest set of balls. So why, truck nuts people, wouldn’t you include the entire package?

Here’s my Christmas wish for next year: instead of world peace, I’d like to pray for truck junk. I want to see a fleet of oversized pickup trucks with loud engines and swingin’ dicks.

Is that too much for a girl to ask?

 

This original piece by Janel Mills was written exclusively for In the Powder Rooma division of Hold My Purse Productions, LLC.

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Janel Mills is a librarian raising three beautiful little girls with her beardedly gifted husband. Surprisingly, killer research skills and a knack for literary analysis have not helped her figure out how to get everyone dressed and out the door on time in the morning. She writes about raising a princess, a wild child, and the happiest toddler on Earth using as many curse words as possible on her blog, 649.133: Girls, the Care and Raising Of. You can also find her in the pages of our bestselling humor anthology, “You Have Lipstick on Your Teeth.”

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  1. says

    I saw my very first pair of truck nuts in real life the other day on a truck (duh). Although it would have been more poetic on an El Camino or Pinto. And they were blue.

    When I read the line about Beyonce, I literally pictured her rolling around on some large bean bags.

  2. says

    I think balls trump peen in the laughs dept. Have you ever examined them up close? THEY ARE HILARIOUS.

    But srsly, I cannot believe truck nuts are a thing. And blue ones!!! Perhaps it’s a Mormon tell? If the truck has blue balls this boy’s a virgin and ready for marriage?

    If that isn’t a thing it should totally be one.

  3. says

    “We put up with balls because we have to.” Truer words were never spoke! Honestly, they’re just “there”…they don’t do much of anything to enhance the whole experience, unless it’s that flopping against your ass thing that kind of feels nice sometimes.

    But I think others are right…from what I’ve seen, the hitch is supposed to be the main package…obviously if that guy’s balls fell off, his package must be totally incapable of supporting them. Poor little thing.

    And I love your line, “I mean, I know the driver has an enormous dick because he’s driving an extended-cab pickup truck that runs on diesel with no muffler.” Amen sister! Compensate much, boys??

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